The Contents of Grief

My dad’s office remained empty for over 2 years. My mom’s office has a sliding door that you can walk through to get into my dad’s office. My mom and I shared an office. I shared it with her while my dad was alive and working and I shared it with her for over 2 years after he died. I believe it has taken over 7 years for my mom to give away, pass along, donate, almost all my dad’s clothing that he had in his closets. My son has a tuxedo that my dad purchased for a trip, that he never wore, because he suffered a stroke prior to taking the trip. It remains unworn and in my son’s closet.

I’ve had several phones since my dad’s passing, and the cloud has all my contacts, but my dad’s cell number remains in my phone along with his out of country phone number. I still have my dad and mom together for their home number in my phone even though he’s been gone for well over 7 years. I know that my mom sleeps only on one side of the bed, no matter which bed she’s sleeping in, the side my dad slept on remains untouched. His shoes remain at the back door of their winter home, like he’s just gone golfing, and he’ll be back to throw his sandals on. His special hat is hung on a hook still to this day. His colognes, and other toiletries remain on the counter at his sink in their winter home.

I still have his business cards on my desk, which is HIS desk, because my mom didn’t want to move into his office but we figured it was time to clean out his office so I could have my own office. I still have the chair that he sat in at his desk, which is literally falling apart on the armrest on the right side, and I will not replace it because it’s the chair he sat in. I have never deleted his voicemail at the office so when I check my messages, I hear him say his name. I use a mug I bought for him decades ago, that is cracking and chipped, but I won’t get rid of it because I know he held it. I have a bottle of cologne (the scent I loved on him the most) that I spray with things just to feel like my dad was “there”.

My mom made throw pillows for her 6 grandchildren (whom are adults) from leftover dress shirts that were worn by my dad. I’ve been given rings that he wore and sized them down to fit my fingers. I have a few of his dress shirts that I wear, I wear them like a cape so I can tap into how amazing my dad was and still is to me to give me courage for something that comes up that I need his strength to navigate. There was a special bed purchased for my dad’s final days on this earth and it still remains in my mom’s room, the bed he died on, I’ve lied on it hundreds of times to get a sense of the peace my dad was filled with as he left this temporal place. I have several 8mm tapes of family trips and memories made that I haven’t watched because my dad is somewhere in those tapes. I’m still not ready after over 7 years to hear him speak, to speak in his pre-stroke voice. My son has 1 of the sets of golf clubs my dad owned, I took an old ratty glove of my dad’s just to have it, because that’s the closest thing to holding his hand is wearing his glove.

I’m sharing this to hopefully illuminate to individuals, who have not yet lost someone close to them, the catalogue of grief for the bereaved. The catalogue is HUGE, I’ve only touched on maybe 2 dozen things for me personally. It can be overwhelming at times, it may seem never ending, but for the mourner it’s necessary. As a griever it is extremely important to me that people respect the contents of the catalogue and not put a timetable on how I choose to process 38 years, 2 months, and 10 days of being his daughter into what they think is healthy or permissible. Without consideration of how much time has passed since my dad took his last breath, which has been well over 7 years, there is NO schedule that I or anyone needs to be on. It’s your catalogue, add to it, take away from it, fold down pages, tear pages out, whatever you need to do is the right thing to do for you. One word of caution, when handling the contents of your memories whether tangible or in your mind, handle with care, especially that chipped up mug, it may cut your lip.