The Grief Who Stole Christmas

As Christmas is literally around the corner, it causes me to pause and remember that Christmas is going to be extremely difficult for so many people, for several reasons, because individuals are trying to navigate this season with all the festivities while feeling the absence of a loved one. If you’re one of those people, whether fresh out of the gate of loss or a veteran in this field, the holiday season can be extremely difficult and however you’re feeling right now during loss is the right way to feel because grief is personal.

Parts of my grief journey reminds me quite a bit of the beloved fictional character The Grinch, and his journey through Christmas in, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” I find in my personal experience that grief hijacked my ability to want to celebrate anything for a few years, and especially any of the highly anticipated holiday’s that I once enjoyed with my dad while he was alive. I honestly can hear the narrator of the Christmas cartoon speaking personally about me when he states, “It could be perhaps that his shoes were too tight, it could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right, but I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.” Was my heart two sizes too small? Did my heart shrink after my dad died? Yes, I believe it did.

This is my 8th Christmas without my dad, but it feels like the 9th because his last Christmas while he was alive, he was dying in the other room, so I had a sneak peek of what my future Christmases would look like. I was already angry, before he had even died, grieving before the last breath was taken. The early years after he passed, I was always angry, I think for the most part I was able to cover it up with acquaintances but with my family, it was a radiant stream of anger. I identified with a Marvel Superhero: The Incredible Hulk. There was a line in the first Avengers movie where Bruce Banner was told by Captain America, “Now would be a really good time for you to get angry”, and Bruce responds by saying, “That’s my secret Cap, I’m always angry.” I did some investigating about what Bruce meant about his secret to his anger. What he meant was, being in the constant state of anger allowed him to keep his anger under control. It wasn’t the sudden surge of anger that made it impossible to concentrate enough to keep the Hulk at bay. It was that lullaby of anger, the background noise of anger, the everyday anger that allowed him to decide when and where he would unleash the Hulk. Or in my case the background noise of my grief, it was constant, sometimes loud and that would mean it would look a certain way in how I behaved and reacted to certain things that previously involved my dad. I’m thankful that my immediate family were forgiving, patient and full of grace, they were also grieving but I was dealing with my grief the only way I knew how.

I mentioned 2 fictional characters that I have recognized in myself while on my grief journey. First and foremost, I find it amusing that these characters are both green, it’s simply pure coincidence but the feelings that they felt go in tandem for me personally. I understand watching everyone’s lives going on around me, nothing changed for them, they’re lives didn’t come to a complete halt, they’re all going on about their regular business, enjoying all the regular holidays with all the proper anticipation and I watched from my little world and felt like the Grinch that everything around me was “noise, noise, noise,” or I wanted to go around and smash things like the Hulk.

When my dad died, I felt like a part of my heart had been severed, and therein the feeling of my heart being two sizes too small. However, as years have passed, I’ve learned how to function without that piece of my heart. That piece is still missing, I’ve just learned to adapt, but for me, it’s simply taken time, lots of time, that’s how my grief has evolved, but that is just how it’s worked for me. Megan Devine, a well-known grief counsellor, grief writer, podcast host, has said “loss gets integrated not overcome.” This statement is so true, accurate and powerful to a seasoned griever, but to someone who is going to experience this holiday season for the first or second time without their loved one it’s hard to imagine that it will become integrated. I can’t stress the importance of doing things your way where your grief is concerned. What’s right for you is what’s right for you and if that means you feel like the Incredible Hulk this holiday season or The Grinch; I speak from personal experience that the heart that felt two sizes too small will learn to find joy again, someday. Until then I am sending a virtual hug to those who are hurting this holiday season, I see you, I feel for you, and I’m here for you🤎